Wedding

So I had an absolutely great time at the wedding this weekend! Caught up with a bunch of people that I used to play with in an orchestra on a weekly basis - man, I miss that and them! Also got to hang out with my best friend which rocked! Sometimes all you need is a weekend like this to put some things in perspective. Although there are still some things I need to look at, fix, change...I am moving in the right direction. Friends and family do that. They can't help but - even if they don't know that anything is wrong. They just help by being, by existing.

This is a picture from the wedding...I had to post it because it is so trademark me. Mouth wide open laughing/smiling - so typically me:) I'm not complaining though.

When I was in a wedding about a year and a half ago, the bride got all of the pictures back and that is how I looked. In about 90% of the pictures. Her mom told her she thought it was great - I looked genuinely happy, enjoying myself, and "real". I thought that was really cool! So, I thought I'd share:)

I have a few more pictures to gather up but will let you know when an album is ready!

Photo: sgoodhand

Ponder

There are still a few things that I wonder. A couple of unanswered questions. But overall I am feeling better. I can’t lie – I am sad, quite. But I’m also glad to have my friend back and was happy to hear that almost 2 years of friendship isn’t something we can just throw away. I guess now I’ll just have to see how things go.

Weekend has been great! Fabulous actually. Will post pictures when I have them. Been doing some thinking. Soul searching, some would call it. I’ll see how that all pans out too:)

37 days till Shannon visits!!

Bumpkin

My quote of the day (didn't think I'd ever say this):

Does it look like I come from bumpkin?

Dinner and a play

I had a great night last night. After work I went to dinner and a play with three ladies I work with. I had a great time. Lots of laugh, good food and a very good play called I Am My Own Wife. Very, very good. It was amazing, because it is a one man show, and is an incredibly unique story about a transvestite who lived during WWII. Very interesting - and the actor has to play a ton of characters, different voices and all. Well worth it! The other neat thing is that Charlotte von Mahlsdorf is an actual person who lived this extraordinary life and ran that museum for years as far as I can tell!

Looking very much forward to the weekend! Will have to start giving some thought as to where I see things going - there may be some big changes coming up again...I can do it!

A fool?

You know what? I’m having one of those nights. I don’t really know what to write. I don’t really know what to say. Actually, that’s a lie. There is a lot I would like to write about, a lot I would like to say about one particular subject. For that I apologize. I will hopefully someday be able to forget this. I would love to ask for advice from all of you. Get your opinion, get your help. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’ve been discarded. I can’t seem to fight my way out because my feelings have me cornered. I don’t get it. People tell me I’m strong, that I’m independent, that I can do anything I put my mind to. But you know what? I feel like I’m five. Looking for my favorite stuffed animal to protect me from everything that is worrying me and confusing me, everything that my mom and dad can’t scare out of my closet.

I have to do this on my own and I can’t seem to. I can’t figure it out. I really did think that we were adults, that honesty was the best thing, that we had to be upfront with each other and had been so far. I know I was. Why haven’t you been able to? Why can’t I get an answer out of you, let alone any answer? I want you to hear this:

I am a good and kind person. I am a person that cares for those around me and will gladly put those I love ahead of me. I will do anything for those I love. You are the most competitive, guarded, stubborn, and challenging person that I have ever met. And I love you. What the hell’s the matter with you that you won’t just let me? I know I may not be the most successful or driven person you’ve ever met. And I know I’m not a lot of things that you’ve gone for in the past. But I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you.

Am I a fool?

Clothes...

My subway ride home tonight. Wow. There was an interesting gentleman riding with me. I think his closet threw up on him. Either that or he just closed his eyes and grabbed things randomly from his closet and put them on. Ear flap touque lined with fur (ok...but not fantastic). Wool coat (just fine) with a button down shirt (also fine). Then...track pants (hmmmm....). Now here is the piece de resistance...cowboy boots. WHA??? Now I am by no means fashion savy and know all the do's and don'ts, nor do I generally make these sort of comments outloud. However, I do know this. Not a good combination. Did he look in the mirror and think this was ok? Wow. Definitely something I'll remember. :)

Tired...

Worried about family.

Worried about friends.

Worried about location.

Worried about loss.

Worried about the future.

Worried about where I'll be in 6 months.

Worried about love.

Worried about death.

Worried about so much.

Worried that I can't control it.

I'm so tired.

Last day on earth

The last day on earth. What would you do if you knew that this was your last day on earth? I just finished watching a fantastic episode of Grey's Anatomy. I don't know if you watch it, but I quite like it. At the end of it, it posed this question. I know that there are a ton of different shows, people and books that ask this but for some reason it hit home tonight. Given my current situation that would make for a very hard decision. Where do I go? Who do I see? How would I get there? The obvious answer is go to my family. That would be my first choice, but if, in some horrible circumstance I couldn't go home, where would I go? Who would I want to spend my last hours with?

Voids...

How do you fill a void? How do you replace someone that you talked to everyday for a year and a half? How do you fill this hole that is so deep that it's impossible to imagine anything else being able to fill it?

“A minute to find, an hour to appreciate, a day to love, a second to lose, a lifetime to forget.”

How?

Snow Pictures...

Snow pics have been posted if you would like to see:)