Monday, February 20, 2006

A fool?


You know what? I’m having one of those nights. I don’t really know what to write. I don’t really know what to say. Actually, that’s a lie. There is a lot I would like to write about, a lot I would like to say about one particular subject. For that I apologize. I will hopefully someday be able to forget this. I would love to ask for advice from all of you. Get your opinion, get your help. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’ve been discarded. I can’t seem to fight my way out because my feelings have me cornered. I don’t get it. People tell me I’m strong, that I’m independent, that I can do anything I put my mind to. But you know what? I feel like I’m five. Looking for my favorite stuffed animal to protect me from everything that is worrying me and confusing me, everything that my mom and dad can’t scare out of my closet.

I have to do this on my own and I can’t seem to. I can’t figure it out. I really did think that we were adults, that honesty was the best thing, that we had to be upfront with each other and had been so far. I know I was. Why haven’t you been able to? Why can’t I get an answer out of you, let alone any answer? I want you to hear this:

I am a good and kind person. I am a person that cares for those around me and will gladly put those I love ahead of me. I will do anything for those I love. You are the most competitive, guarded, stubborn, and challenging person that I have ever met. And I love you. What the hell’s the matter with you that you won’t just let me? I know I may not be the most successful or driven person you’ve ever met. And I know I’m not a lot of things that you’ve gone for in the past. But I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you.

Am I a fool?

10 comments:

Shannon said...

Personally - I think you should send that to him...I really do.

Jen said...

Send it to him? I could...but what would I do if I never heard from him again? Or would I, like I said, be a fool?

Shannon said...

It would not make you a fool. But if you sent that to him and there was no response, it might be easier to let go...I could be way off

Jen said...

You would think...but you know what? I don't think that would work for me. I just wish there was someway to find out...someway to get it to him...

Allison said...

you seriously need to tell him how you feel. because if you don't you'll regreat it for the rest of your life. and honestly it's killing you right now. like shannon said send it to him.

Jen said...

I'll think about it...I really will. Although it is here - maybe someday he'll find it.

Shannon said...

You can't just wait for him to find it...in the world, we can't just sit back and wait for things to happen. If you don't take the bulls by the horn and tell him, whether he responds or not, I agree with Allison, you will regret it

Jen said...

Yes well, for now that is what I think I can do. Unless some force out there takes this into their hands I do believe it will remain like this for now...

Luke said...

Wow. That gave me chills. I also vote for you to send it to him. I think he should hear it.

Anonymous said...

Neverthink of yourself as a fool. Life is full of taking risks and if you nver take that risk you will forever be regretting it. Honesting is always the best policy even if it will hurt sometimes.
jenny